
Ok this beautiful red and orange plumeria (frangipanni) sits outside our front door. It is a rare hybrid. I got it ( well never mind...that could get me in trouble)..but easy to say it is not from any florists or nurseries. It flowers often, and at present we have one stalk that is in full bloom. It brightens up my day when I see the intense red colourings every morning. We have a total of six plumerias in our houses, all different colours. In another posting, i will document all of these wonderful plants.
Plumerias aside, I just want to add that I come across a major juncture in my life that I have to make an important decision. It is giving up what I wanted for someting that i want now. Complicated as it sounds well let me put it simply. There was a point in my life when I wanted to reach the pinnacle of my career. At 27, I was raring to climb and climb up the career ladder. I threw myself headlong into the wind and expend all my energy into my work. Seven years down the road, at 34, i am visibly a different person. The adrenaline rush of being a leader to men, no longer appeals to me as I found out the hard way that there is little I can do help people change if they themselves refuse. The institutional barriers that i used to get out of my path does not seem appealing to me. My true purpose and fire that is within me, flickers now and dances precariously in the wind, no longer burning as brightly as it used to. Finally the double talk that I could sense of the industry that i am in, makes me angry and at times feel really lousy about my true sense of self worth. The path that I am choosing will help me get back to the things that I cherish and feel passionate for.( I hope)
It has always been a case in my life that i make decisions more in the heart then in the head. Often times, I may a heavy price in doing this especially when it comes to money decisons. However when it comes to people and how to choose to live, decisions that i make in the heart often sustains me longer and makes me stronger. I never regret all the decisions that i have made. A firm believer in Paul Nietzche's 'What doesnt kill you, is good for you', I believe that there is no such things as a good or bad decision. Marrying Faiz for example isnt about making a good or bad decision. You live everyday, trying to make it into a good decision. You try not to look back and consider the 'what could have beens'...you simply move on. At times when it looks like a bad decision, you pause for a while and reconsider why it bacame bad. The capability of the mind to reframe the problem into someting else is a powerful thing that I have often use on myself. For people, I try to look deeper into their actions and in their souls to consider why they acted the way they did. In the end, it may make sense, sometimes it doesnt. However, time heals.